Lists of why and their answers based on myself.

Why I do not like to make the first move?
Because it will become a habit and we never really go figure out whose fault it was.

Why I always give in so easily?
 \Because I do not want any trouble.

Why I keep my mouth shut sometimes?
Because i do not want things to get worst and the more i talk the more trouble there will be.

Why you think i did not care?
Because u never did tell me what happen and even when i tried to force it out of you u just said nothing and never mind. I will not get angry even if it involved me and i will try to accept as much as possible.

Why do u think i never try hard enough?
Because u thought I was never good enough no matter what I do and you kept comparing me with others. I just wondered why compare me with other when i did not even compare u at all. I did not even bother to look at other girls when we were out as my focus was on you only.

Why do i feel disheartened sometimes?
 Because i am never the first one u turn to most of the time when something happen. I want to be the first and i do not mind trouble if its for you. I tried hard and only when i gave up then u tried to give in. Whats the point? Making things worst only right?

 Why do i feel you get angry too often.
Because you are constantly increasing your expectation. You get fussy about small little things. U get unhappy over small little stuffs. It takes 2 hands to clap. Try it once. Talk to me about it. Try it twice. Talk to me about it. Try it AGAIN. Talk yo me about it. If i still do not get it just adapt to it. Live with it. That is what i do.

Why u do not like coming my house or staying over?
Because u do not like hearing my parents nagging? U never did try to adapt and just ran away every time. If u are going to be with me for the rest of your life. You will have to face them eventually no matter u want it or not. For 4 years i said nothing. I can literally count the amount of times u stayed over at my house with only my 2 hands.

Why do i feel that you do not have much friends?
Because u kept too much to yourself. You want to lead and be at the front. You want attention. U want recognition. I know I KNOW. All these things do not come free. You have to earn it. Learn what is the problem. Build bonds not only for that little while but for a lifetime. Cherish your friends. MONEY IS NOT AN ISSUE. Anything that money can solve is not an issue. Things that money CANNOT solve is then an issue. U can have all the wealth in the world but u are dying. Everything will be gone anyway. If we are only going to get what we need and not what we want. There is no meaning in life. You are just influenced by your mum. DO you want to be like her? i doubt so. You have all the damn money but u lost all the respect and trust in the family.

Life is not easy. We are still young. We have not experienced the world enough yet. I will not say i have experienced enough to say all this shit. Whatever you do. Put yourself in their shoes. Good or bad, learn from it or avoid it. Do not think of the future when your present is in a mess. Live each day as your last. That is what i told you and i still mean it. 3 more months it shall be. For our next meetup if the same things happen. Even there is any SLIGHT anger or frustration on either of us. We will not need 3 months.

Little message for my shagua

To my dearest da sha gua, On the 21 of September 2011, u have been officially forgiven by your dearest boy for being a da ben dan. On this very day, i hope all stupid and unhappy thoughts of yours get eaten away by the stupified monster. By the next hour, all the bad and unhappy things should be gone from your head and never to come back. By the next minute, you should be thinking of how to smile more and forget all unhappy things in life and not let minor things affect you. By the next second, you should be smiling like a kuku and thinking of happy things and letting minor things go By the next moment, you should be always smiling and smiling and smiling and throwing away all minor worthless thoughts By the next time i see you, i want us to go back to 161108 to experience the love we had and stay there forever.. I miss you too... From Dearest Da ben dan

Did you know how many times i got so pissed off when you did not reply my message especially when we know we are going to meet each other ?
Did you know that sorry is a word which i hated alot?
Did you know if you did not do it in the first place you wont have to say sorry?
Did you know a broken mirror no matter how you piece it back it will still be cracked?
Did you know how much time i spend waiting for your reply everytime i wanted a reply badly??
Did you know how many times i got scolded by my parents when i did not get things planned properly?
Did you know how many times my parents got pissed off at me cause you wanted to see me when i was supposed to go out with them?
Did you know how much i feel like dying when i see you cry everytime?
Did you know how much i wanted to keep you safe and happy?
Did you know that i failed badly everytime?
Did you know that i wanted to hug you badly everytime i miss you?
Did you know?
Do you know. . .

Why does it hurt so bad again. Why does it have to happen everytime. My heart is in a mess now. I wanted to go, but somehow something is stopping me from going..

Shits have to happen all the time. I really want to know whats the root of the problem. I'm already at my bottle neck. Too much. Really just too much stuffs. When will it stop and give me peace. I just want to lead a simple life. A simple peaceful life. That is all i wanted. Its hard. Its impossible. Life will always be like that. Full of shits and many more things. Problems are generated by the brain. Feeling what is right is judge by your heart. Saying sorry is not everything. It makes things worst. Makes you feels weaker. And why bother to do the things you know you will end up saying sorry. Happens almost everyday. And i'm holding on. For the sake of you.

Is this just another obstacle we have to go through?
Is this just another test for us to take?
I have totally no idea. I just wanted to keep you happy.
I have tried my best to do everything that you wanted me to do.
But most of the time you just are not satisfied.
I did everything i can. I tried everything that i can.
Army.. Parent.. Friends.. Stress.. Sadness..
Everything is piling up bad on me.
I don't know what have I done in my previous life that i have to go through this now.
Suddenly i just feel like i just hate everything.
Everything in my life has just gone like that and there is no purpose in life.
This feeling..
Tell me what can i do to keep your happy.
Tell me what can i do to keep your smile up always.
Tell me what should i do to not make you upset.
Its like a chain effect. When you are unhappy, I get unhappy too.
And when i get unhappy you get even more unhappy.
I really love you a lot.
I will do almost anything for you.
I just want to be with you . Together with you.
Hugging you telling you everything will be ok.
Cause i am with you.
I want to be your pillar of support and someone who you can cuddle to when you are upset.
But i think i haven really achieve any of this.
I feel like a useless one big ass person now.
Words are useless. Its what you do that counts.
I can say a thousand i love you but if in my heart, i dont mean it, its just words.
Compared to a thousand i love you and 1 warm tight hug.
It means alot of difference to me.
You can tell me that you miss me and love me every single day.
But really just one hug and nothing else would tell me everything..
I dont want any of this to happen.
I dont want to repeat any mistakes that i have made before.
I dont want you to be upset.
I dont want you to feel alone.
I dont want you to feel that you are being pushed away.
All i want is your smile that is on your face.
It means a lot to me.
Your laughter, your smile, your warm hug is enough to make my day.
I dont want to regret anything that i have done.
And i dont want you to regret anything that you have done either.
I know i have said so much but i guess only a bit of it would get into you.
But i know i still have to say it anyway.
Old habit die hard. Its hard to change i know.
If i can change, why cant you..
Some decisions would not require any thinking.
Cause in your heart you would have the answer.
Not everything can be bought by money
Money is something that is materialistic.
Things that you can touch and feel is materialistic.
I am materialistic too.
Happiness, sadness, feelings, love, time.
These are the things that cant be bought buy money.
You can earn 1 million dollars in one day.
But you lost something more valuable than 1 million.
I can say straight from my heart.
Its not worth it.
I can just get knock down by a car tomorrow.
Or die in some accident.
Who knows.
I feel.
I wonder.
I love.
And i cherish..

A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone
Even if they don't like you
Everyone someone thinks about you before they sleep
You mean the world to someone
Without you someone may not be living
You are special and unique in your own way
When you make the biggest mistake ever
Something good comes out from it
When you think the world has turnsed it back on you
Take a look..
You most likely turned your back on the world
When u think you have no chance at getting what you want
You probably wun get it but..
If you believe in yourself
You will probably sooner or later get it
Always remember complements you received
Forget about the rude remarks
Alway tell someone how you feel
Then they will know..
Take time to let people know that they are great
Remember this in your heart always..

Till the end,
I will be with you,
We will go where our dreams come through,
All the time that we have been through,
You will always be my dear Evangeline.
I love you..
.wm

Do you know how worry i get when you dont reply my msg?
Do you know that sorry doesn't help at all sometimes??
Do you know why??
What if one day I'm gone for good do you think all the sorry would help?
I would tell u straight.
Sorry wont help at all.
In the end there will only be regrets.
Please. Dont do the things that you eventually know you would say sorry.